Happy Birthday Charlie!

So Today was Charlie's 3rd Birthday. I wanted him to have an amazing day. Brian took the week before off and Charlie's birthday so we could spend all day as a family and just hang out. The morning was pretty Decent.

Brian and I took Charlie to buy Thomas the train balloons for his party at his school, and then out to lunch. We had a great time, it was fun to hang out with just Charlie and have our attention just on him. Brian took Charlie to school, and I went and picked up his cupcakes.

To say I was excited for Charlie's party in his class room was an understatement. This was something I have been dreaming of doing with Charlie, and it was finally coming true.

When it was snack time we were invited in. Charlie's teachers, Brian, my mom, my dad and I all sang happy birthday to Charlie as he held his fake foam birthday cake. It was great to see his little smile. He then handed a balloon to each of his friends and they all had cupcakes. It was awesome to share this with his teachers. While none of the kids understood what was going on, or why they got balloons it was still wonderful to share it with them.

The rest of Charlie's birthday was touch an go. I picked up Charlie from school, and on the way home he fell asleep. Brian and my father set up Charlie's Birthday present, and when Charlie woke up he was more then happy. Although wasn't happy to leave it shortly after to go to dinner.

Dinner was interesting, and so was everything after that. It was just a very busy day, and a very hard day.

I wish I could sit here and type about how happy I was, and how great of a day it was. But honestly speaking I wasn't. I don't know how to sugar coat my true feelings here. I am lost on what to write for Charlie's Birthday post, so I'm just doing a rather short time line of the day.

Charlie turning 3 is a huge milestone. We have another year under our belt, and our first year of Charlie being officially Diagnosed as High Functioning Autistic behind us.

This past year has been hard. I want to write of fond memories of Charlie's babyhood and "remember when's"... but honestly when I do, they aren't fond. I think of Charlie's babyhood and see how much he missed out. It was like the first year of his life never happened. With Charlie being so sick he never got the chance to enjoy the little things around him, he never got to explore.

But now that he is 3, boy is he making up for lost time!!

It's time!

It is every parents dream when their child potty learns. It's when the diaper laundry or diaper buying ends, and a chapter of crazy childhood begins. We were told that Charlie wouldn't be able to potty learn until he was at least 4. We have been told that most autistic kids potty learn between 4-5 years old. So we prepared ourselves for the long haul, and told ourselves that it would be a hard road but we will make it.

Last Monday- October 11th 2010- My little boy proclaimed "HELP me!" and when we asked him with what, he ran to the bathroom and said "POOT!" That was *the* first time he used the potty on his own free will. We have tried sitting him on the potty earlier in his life to start the process, but it always failed.

This whole week Charlie has been using the potty more and more. We are so proud of him. He is asking to use the potty, and is now starting to insist that his 1 1/2 year old sister sit on the potty too.

It is SO completely amazing to be starting this journey with Charlie. To be there for him and to support him when he needs it.

This week was a big week for us for another reason. I remember last year when I told Brian that I would give *Anything* to hear Charlie talk. I would do anything to have a conversation with him, and for him to be engaged in our life. Yesterday we went to the pumpkin patch and all day we heard nothing but "Punkin, Punkin" Where ever he saw one it was "Punkin!"So Yesterday after noon we were loading up in the car to go to the park, and after hearing the hundredth time of him proclaiming "punkin!" I said "Charlie! Will you please be quite!! I can not take one more punkin!!"

After I realized what I had said, I just busted out laughing. My husband was standing on the other side of the car and just smiled at me. It was just so funny. I remember a year ago proclaiming I would never tell Charlie to be quite when he started talking, that he could talk all day long, and that I would love every minute of it. And now, a year later I am telling Charlie to be quite!

Charlie turns 3 on Monday, and here he is potty learning and driving me crazy! I absolutely love it!

Art work on my fridge.

As a mom of an High functioning autistic (almost) 3 year old I decided a while ago I would home school Charlie and any siblings he may have because the kids in the public school system are so mean these days. I didn't want Charlie to be held behind, picked on, teased etc., So when Charlie Started his preschool class Sept 8th I was a little anxious for him, and wasn't sure it was the right choice for him. Boy was I wrong!!! I know that when being a mom, following your gut is one of the best things you should do, and you should never ignore it. But I did, and I'm glad. Charlie's been in school for 1 month and LOVES it. In his class there is 5-6 boys (all boy class!) all the same age. There is 1 teacher per child so they are able to give them the help and support they all need. His school is 2 1/2 hours long and by the end you can tell he is exhausted.

My favorite part is the Artwork. My Fridge is COVERED in them!! It brings a little bit of normal into our lives, and shows us how far Charlie really has come. About 6 months ago Charlie couldn't even scribble a line. I am so incredibly proud of Charlie. Here is just some of his art work! (Daddy has some at work, so this isn't all!)

This is a picture of a drawing Charlie did Back in Feb. You can see that he was still stabbing the marker into the paper, and the lines that were drawn had no purpose and generally go from one dot to the next.

This was last week!! Look how far he has come!!I am so proud of him!!

One of Charlie's downfalls is that he has weak hands. Most Autistic Kids do. It's hard for them to do simple things like use scissors. So In class they practice cutting out shapes (with LOTS of teacher help) and gluing them on the paper!!

Charlie has made a couple friends in his class. It is quite cute! He is Friends with two little boys Rocco, and Aiden. The way they play is not the typical child play. Their version of playing is sitting next to each other and looking at books, or cars. Last week Rocco sat next to Charlie and they looked through the musical instrument box. There were small moments of eye contact and they showed each other different things. It was the most brilliant moment. I really did want to cry. Charlie was connecting with someone who understood him. They didn't have to talk or sign for communication. They communicated in their own way.

To be honest at first I was slightly jealous. In that moment I could see the Rocco and Charlie understood each other, and they knew what each other wanted. It was just so peaceful and quite. No one was crying, throwing tantrums, or being mean. They just quietly sat there, next to each other and played. I wanted that connection with Charlie. But as I waited for Charlie to get out of school I thought about ways to get that connection with Charlie, and I realized I can't. As a mom I am always looking for ways to connect with my children, and to be in their world. But sometimes as a mom it's best that I just stay out. Charlie needs his special bonds with certain people. I want him to have that special bond with Rocco, so they can rely on each other when the time comes.

Not being able to understand their world is so hard. There is still so much that I do not understand, and possibly will never understand. I just have to keep reminding myself, that while Charlie and I share a special connection, it's not the same, nor can it be the same as any other connection he makes with people. Each relationship is different, and it needs to be that way. He knows people by their relationships with him. A great example is lately he has been labeling the people in his life. He know's (FINALLY!!!!) I am Mama, Brian is Daddy, Amelia is Meme, And He is Charlie. He calls both my parents "Papa". The only logic I can come up with is that his relationship with both my parents is the same. They both rough house with him, cuddle with him, eat with him, and treat him the same. Their role in his life is the same, so they must be the same person right? We are working on getting him to call my mom something else (Not sure what yet), but it's been difficult.

Charlie's progress is been amazing. He is starting to talk in small senstences. The other day we were in line at the coffee shop, and he knows that he always gets a smoothie when we go. Well this day he was being impatient and grunting and whining because he wasn't getting his smoothie ASAP. I turned around and said

"Excuse me Charlie, What do you say if you want your smoothie?!"

And he said "Ooooh!! Give my juice please!"

I KID YOU NOT!! It was so awesome!! It's moments like this that I wish I had a tape recorder playing at all times so I can catch these moments that he is in our world and functioning. It makes my heart smile :)

I just love moments that we are able to connect. It's like the two worlds collide and we create our own world for a moment in time.

Love

When I sat down to type this entry I wanted to talk about Charlie's progress, how far he has come from the little boy he was last year. I wanted to talk about his language skills, his social skills, I wanted to talk about the good part of Autism. The Part we love.

But as I sit here and type, and I can't but type with a sad, heavy heart. Charlie has made great strides, and progress. He is doing *AMAZING* and is starting to grow into his own little self. But with holiday's nearing I just can't help but feel sad. This year will be just like last year, and the year before. Charlie won't know what his birthday is, or what it means. He will not understand Halloween, or Thanksgiving. He won't know this year that on Christmas morning to be excited about the presents left under the tree from mom and dad. He just won't. It hurts - in every sense- that my little boy won't get to enjoy the Holiday's.

I have many great friends that tell me that in due time Charlie will get there, One day he will understand. Maybe next year! I know I should be grateful for the progress that we have had thus far, and I am. Please don't get me wrong. But my heart aches. I want to throw Charlie the big birthday party with the Thomas theme. I want to invite everyone we know over and have a party so big that is causes the neighbors to be annoyed. I want to spend so much money on food, and decorations, toys, and stupid things that I will have to take out a loan. I want Charlie to see how many people truly love him, for him. Autistic or not.

But just like last year we will have to quietly celebrate the day he was born into this world. I know most people won't understand. and I don't expect them to. It's just as a mom, I look forward to their birthdays. It holds a very dear meaning to me. It's a time in my life when I became a woman, a mom. And I want to celebrate that day with love and happiness in the most crazy outrageous way.

But we can't. Instead we will probably just hang out, maybe have cake and sing a song, and Charlie will be completely clueless the whole time. I guess if I haven't been around children on their birthday's it wouldn't bother me. But I have seen my Nephew and Niece grow, and become more and more excited as each Birthday rolls in. I love the over flow of energy they get, and the smiles that are glued on their face for the whole day. I love how they are so happy to have their friends with them, and the crazier the better. I want Charlie to feel what they feel.

I know it seems selfish, that I'm not accepting of Charlie. When really I am. I love him more then anyone could imagine. It can just be hard to want something for your child so much, but you know they will never want it.

As I'm typing this out and shedding a tear or two I actually feel a lot better. It feels good to finally say that I am disappointed that I *may* never get to throw Charlie a big blow out party- but let me tell you, the day he tells me he wants one, it will be the biggest party in history, and I'm sure the neighbors will complain.

I will come back to edit.

Words and Phrases Charlie knows and says

Please

Thank you

Bye

Hi

Ick

Need

Mama said

I want

Bless you

Mommy

Daddy

Milk

Cup

More

Meme

Walk

Outside

Cat (Cow)

Dog

Nannie

Shoe

Bath(Back)

Blanket

Sissy

Thomas

Percy

James

Emily (Emmy)

Night night

No

Stuck

Binky (binkum)

This

Help

Ow

Lets go

Your turn

See you soon

Car

Ball

Train

Don't know

I say

Whats that?

Papa

Grandma

If you didn't want to count.... thats 46 words/phrase's!! last year he could only say 4 words. 6 months ago he would only say 10!!!

I am so incredibly proud of Charlie.

Have you ever?

So I know this is a little off topic, but have you ever just looked at a picture that made your heart swell with happiness that you shed a little tear?

Well I have two for tonight. But a little back story---

So today was Charlie's first classroom experience. It was actually a lot of fun. The Class consist of 4 other boys, around the age of Charlie. One boy has the same birthday as Charlie. All are on the spectrum on some form. It was nice to connect with other moms, and just sit back and laugh at how silly our boys really are. We got to enjoy their squeals, and hand flapping. We got to enjoy the screeching of excitement and support each other throu

gh the hard tantrums. It was actually more enjoyable then I thought it would be. On the way home from school the song "You make me smile " From Uncle Kracker Came on the radio. I turned it up as high as we could stand, and we sang our hearts out. Whenever I hear this song I think of Charlie. Memories from his birth until now flash through my brain, and I can't help but smile.

Here are the Lyrics--

You´re better then the best, 

I´m lucky just to linger in your light

 Cooler then the flip side of my pillow 

that´s right Completely unaware 

Nothing can compare to where you send me 

Lets me know that it´s ok 

yeah it´s ok 

And the moments where my good times start to fade 

 You make me smile like the sun

 Fall out of bed sing like bird 

Dizzy in my head spin like a record

 Crazy on a Sunday night 

You make me dance like a fool

 Forget how to breathe

 Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

 Just the thought of you can drive me wild, Ohh you make me smile  

Even when you´re gone, Somehow you come along 

Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that 

You steal away the rain and just like that  

You make me smile like the sun

 Fall out of bed sing like bird 

Dizzy in my head spin like a record

 Crazy on a Sunday night 

You make me dance like a fool 

Forget how to breathe

 Shine like gold, buzz like a bee 

Just the thought of you can drive me wild Ohh you make me smile  

Don´t know how I lived without you 

Cuz everytime that I get around you, I see the best of me inside your eyes 

You make me smile 

You make me dance like a fool, Forget how to breathe 

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee 

Just the thought of you can drive me wild  

You make me smile like the sun

Fall out of bed, sing like bird

 Dizzy in my head spin like a record 

Crazy on a Sunday night You make me dance like a fool 

Forget how to breathe 

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee 

Just the thought of you can drive me wild Ohh you make me smile 

And here is the Youtube link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffej15-Dgl0

Happy 4th of July!

I so wish I could say that and mean it. It's been kind of a rough day for Charlie. I expected it. I really did. People started lighting off fireworks around 2pm today. I knew all the different booms and crackles would eventually get to Charlie. What I didn't expect is the Airplanes flying over our house at 9 AM.

Charlie started out the morning crying. I have no idea why, but I have a feeling that it was because yesterday was a tough day. It was full of changes.

Yesterday was his Gymnastics class. After the first class he knew the routine. We would start out in the foam pit, stretch, do the first routine, then jump on the trampoline, do the second routine, and finish with the foam pit. So Yesterday morning we were getting him ready, talking to him about his gymnastic's class, and getting him prepared for the day. Well we get there, and instead of heading to the pit, we go to the other side of the gym. We played a game instead. The kids had to put the same colored balls into the same colored hula hoop. Charlie started out okay. Did a couple, and then was done. He had a few melt downs, and wouldn't stretch. Once we got into the regular routines he did great. At the end he had a BLAST in the foam pit, We had a hard time getting him out. LOL!

The rest of the day was shot, we ran a bunch of errands and was out and about most of the day. The only normal thing we did yesterday was his Gymnastics class. So I knew today was gonna be a rough one.

So fast forward to today. Fireworks going off since 1-2pm. Charlie is on Sensory overload. I just feel so bad for him. I wish we could enjoy this Holiday with him like we have before. I know as he get's older his SPD will get worse, and things we have done in the past, we won't be able to do until much later.

I was really hoping this year we could take both kids to the festival here in Canby and just Enjoy the day as a family. I just hate being disappointed when we aren't able to do things. I try really hard to get Charlie out of his comfort zone, and try new things. But there comes a point were it goes from helping Charlie to hurting Charlie.

I just wished that everyone understood that.