Love

When I sat down to type this entry I wanted to talk about Charlie's progress, how far he has come from the little boy he was last year. I wanted to talk about his language skills, his social skills, I wanted to talk about the good part of Autism. The Part we love.

But as I sit here and type, and I can't but type with a sad, heavy heart. Charlie has made great strides, and progress. He is doing *AMAZING* and is starting to grow into his own little self. But with holiday's nearing I just can't help but feel sad. This year will be just like last year, and the year before. Charlie won't know what his birthday is, or what it means. He will not understand Halloween, or Thanksgiving. He won't know this year that on Christmas morning to be excited about the presents left under the tree from mom and dad. He just won't. It hurts - in every sense- that my little boy won't get to enjoy the Holiday's.

I have many great friends that tell me that in due time Charlie will get there, One day he will understand. Maybe next year! I know I should be grateful for the progress that we have had thus far, and I am. Please don't get me wrong. But my heart aches. I want to throw Charlie the big birthday party with the Thomas theme. I want to invite everyone we know over and have a party so big that is causes the neighbors to be annoyed. I want to spend so much money on food, and decorations, toys, and stupid things that I will have to take out a loan. I want Charlie to see how many people truly love him, for him. Autistic or not.

But just like last year we will have to quietly celebrate the day he was born into this world. I know most people won't understand. and I don't expect them to. It's just as a mom, I look forward to their birthdays. It holds a very dear meaning to me. It's a time in my life when I became a woman, a mom. And I want to celebrate that day with love and happiness in the most crazy outrageous way.

But we can't. Instead we will probably just hang out, maybe have cake and sing a song, and Charlie will be completely clueless the whole time. I guess if I haven't been around children on their birthday's it wouldn't bother me. But I have seen my Nephew and Niece grow, and become more and more excited as each Birthday rolls in. I love the over flow of energy they get, and the smiles that are glued on their face for the whole day. I love how they are so happy to have their friends with them, and the crazier the better. I want Charlie to feel what they feel.

I know it seems selfish, that I'm not accepting of Charlie. When really I am. I love him more then anyone could imagine. It can just be hard to want something for your child so much, but you know they will never want it.

As I'm typing this out and shedding a tear or two I actually feel a lot better. It feels good to finally say that I am disappointed that I *may* never get to throw Charlie a big blow out party- but let me tell you, the day he tells me he wants one, it will be the biggest party in history, and I'm sure the neighbors will complain.